Office Personalities We Love to Hate
Got a Slave Driver boss who has no life, and that's why she's ruining yours? How about the Prima Donna co-worker who thinks the world revolves him or that Bean Counter in accounting who loves the power he holds over your expense report?
Never fear, the Corporate Kingdom is here to put the fun in dysfunctional and lighten your workday with a little cathartic commiseration. Here are 20 office personalities we all love to hate!
THE CONTROL FREAK
Grant him the semi-serenity to control … well, everything. This micromanager is super-freaky in an obsessive-compulsive sort of way. When he delegates, prepare to feel his hot breath warming your ear lobes. With the Control Freak in charge, not only are you asked to create the desired results, but you must also do so in his narrowly prescribed manner. But don’t despair, you can get even by hiding his Blackberry.
THE PRIMA DONNA
Wearing a stylish crown of thorns, Prima Donna is the self-appointed office savior. He loves the limelight and is more than willing to give unsolicited advice—“using his gift” as he might say. He’s skilled at grabbing individual credit for group achievements and so accomplished in so many areas that he’s become his own hero.
Just refer to Mr. Mastermind as the “crock of all knowledge.”
THE BROWN NOSER
This office jellyfish is adept at giving special strokes to special folks. The Brown Noser’s natural sheltering instincts gets him into some, shall we say, very tight spots. He survives the potentially harsh corporate environment by mastering the fine art of flattery and latex loyalty. Brown Noser will tell you exactly what you want to hear, as long as you outrank him. If you’re in top management you can rest assured that he’s behind you all the way.
Oh, the pain of it all! For The Martyr, suffering is just another part of the job. She wouldn’t have it any other way. If only the rest of the staff was as dedicated, she wouldn’t have to carry around all that baggage of resentment. She’s truly a beast of burden who chronically burns the midnight oil. While her dedication is often admirable, her bitchin’ and moanin’ to co-workers ensures she won’t suffer in silence.
Oh, the suffering of this delicate flower. Her imaginary illnesses are just like imaginary friends, only with symptoms. To her, the cold and flu season is just an opportunity for greater practice in the medicinal arts. Her co-workers are sick of her sick days but even more sick of her daily medical updates. Does anyone really care to know that much about her body? Eeewwww.
THE BEAN COUNTER
This pencil-necked geek talks softly but carries a big spreadsheet. Unlike his co-workers, he loves bureaucracy -- the more signatures the better. In fact, Bean Counter doubles as the office supply police. Although he “accidentally” inflated profits by $4 billion to shore up your sagging stock, you’d better be prepared to justify your monthly expense report to the penny, because he’d rather slash your budget than cut you some slack.
This Executive Pirate is steering the company ship straight into the Bermuda Triangle. As it slowly sinks under the weight of his bloated “compensation,” he’ll lighten the load by making 22,000 underlings walk the plank while talking the board into a $100 million/0 interest loan.
This sleazy captain won’t go down with the ship, though. While you’re clinging to a rapidly deflating pension, he’ll sail off on the good ship Guaranteed Severance to plunder yet again.
THE SPACE INVADER
Where’s the sneeze guard when you need it? This pore boy doesn’t have a clue that he’s violating your neutral zone. This close talker is a self-proclaimed expert on everything and is happy to share his views while rummaging through your desk. Avoid making eye contact when Space Invader’s on the prowl, but if he does corner you, your best escape is to tell him there are free doughnuts at the front desk, then run like hell.
Two faces really are better than one when it comes to the subtle art of the interoffice sneak attack.
Scrambling over the bodies of betrayed coworkers, The Backstabber will use any means necessary to rise to the top of the corporate ladder.
Be careful what you say around Ms. B.S., because your words can and will be used against you. After all, she’s just waiting for the right moment to use what she knows … and at your expense.
THE SLAVE DRIVER
Ruling with an iron fist, The Slave Driver pushes her underlings to work ever harder, faster and later. In her book, sick leave and vacations are for wimps. If only she’d just get a life and stop willfully destroying the quality of lives around her.
Better tell your loved ones you’re working late tonight because your department’s dominatrix would much rather extract an ounce of your blood than go home and feed her cats.
THE LOOSE CANNON
Co-workers cringe and duck for cover when Loose Cannon gets ready to shoot from the lip. His bad timing and missteps are legendary, and his colleagues are constantly “forgetting” to invite him to important meetings.
Rest assured, when the boss asks if there is “anything else” Loose Cannon will hold everyone hostage while pursuing a 2-hour tangent. While he’s sticking his foot in his mouth you’d like to plant your foot directly up his @#!.
The office incarnation of “Inside Edition,” the Gosseptionist is always digging up the latest dirt, and then broadcasting it “discretely” to all within earshot. She knows not only who’s doing what but who’s doing who. She can’t stand not being in the know and she ravenously feeds off every juicy tidbit she “accidentally” overhears. Make her day with insider information and she’ll make sure you don’t miss those important calls.
BIG MUG BETTY
Big Mug Betty is driven on by sheer carbonation. In fact, the convenience store clerk is named in her will. Her “Bladder Buster” mug sits faithfully on her desk like a family pet. Don’t be intimidated by its cement-mixer size. It’s just a little “fix” of soda to get her through the day. What? She’s not at her desk? Fear not. She’ll return soon with an icy refill (Slurrrrrrrp!) and some barbecue Pork Rinds. Can you swig it?!
More skilled at handing off than a Big 12 quarterback, Delegator always finds a way to get co-workers to do all of his work, including fetching bagels and coffee. He doesn’t like to get his hands “dirty” by actually doing any work himself, even when it’s clearly part of his job description. Of course, he loves to share the work but not the credit--unless things go bad. Invite Delegator to lunch and you can count on picking up the check.
Who put the hair in hair trigger? Erupter, that’s who. He’s a walking tinderbox, who interprets any disagreement with his edicts as defiance at best, and mutiny at worst. One false word and Erupter explodes like a cheap grenade. He doesn’t have a problem with anger — he actually embraces it. He enjoys that vein-popping adrenaline rush he gets when yelling at someone who crosses him. His tantrums work well for him, though, since he almost always gets his way.
THE FALL GUY
How come he’s always in the wrong place at the wrong time? This all-day sucker is an easy mark for his more ambitious colleagues who point the finger in his direction when any projects go south. His unique blend of naivety and inarticulate protests puts him in the line of fire time and time again. Fall Guy’s butt is more than raw from that big sling, but middle management likes to keep him around in case there’s any question who dropped the ball.
THE POWER MONGER
To this corporate Machiavelli, work is a battlefield and the corner office is the ultimate victory. Invitations to golf or dinner are really attempts to build his coalition, and company meetings are reconnaissance for his ongoing political agenda.
Although Power Monger appreciates money, it’s just a way of keeping score -- power is his ultimate objective. He loves you as long as you’re useful, but once the current campaign is over he’ll drop you like an empty canteen.
Mr. Obsolete has the technological savvy of carpet. He’s stubbornly hoping to miss the computer revolution and is constantly referencing his glory days, 1974-76, when men were men and “high-tech” meant owning an 8-track tape player.
An abacus is perfectly suitable for Mr. O, who’s always nagging co-workers to “fix” his computer, even when all that’s needed is to turn on the surge protector. Favorite TV show: Gunsmoke.
To the Letch, the corporate environment is merely a dating service with health benefits. For this rear admiral, hindsight isn’t 20/20 but merely a better perspective from which to inspect your assets. He’s always on the make, and his never-ending innuendo and tasteless comments make him a walking harassment lawsuit.
“Mr. Backrubs,” is almost certain to rub you the wrong way with his heavy dose of pheromones and gold chains.
Nobody works harder—at getting out of work—than The Slacker, who can usually be found sleeping at his desk under the cover of dullness. His day is spent fine-tuning the “spreadsheet” he cleverly pops up whenever the boss comes around. Otherwise he’s found downloading anything with “Kardashian” in the file name, or sharing “Tik-Tok” clips with his buddies.
The Slacker might as well have "MIA" printed on his business card. On the bright side, he’s got the coolest screensaver in the office.
About The Corporate Kingdom
The Corporate Kingdom sells posters, mugs, trading cards and t-shirts that make fun of annoying office personalities. The company was founded in 2001. Media inquiries: contact Steve Hawkins, Corporate Kingdom CEO, at 385 315-2826 or [email protected].